Who is your ideal LOVE Partner?

 For every guy or girl, there is a partner. The question is what type of partner? Who should this man or woman be? The answers are not always far fetched, they reside there in the heart of every individual.   Most of our dreams about who the   perfect man or woman should be, stem from our experience with the opposite sex, the first contact being our parents. When young people share an intimate, loving and peaceful relationship with their parents, they tend to want to see all those traits in the partners  they also desire to marry. Many young ladies have had it rough settling down simply because finding a man with a total package of qualities such as their father may not be an easy task. Same for guys who think their mothers are epitome of what womanhood is all about.   The flip side of this are young people who were raised in broken homes or not so stable environments. In this category are children who’d witnessed various forms of domestic violence either between their parents or their guardians or they have been victims themselves. It is only sensible that many of such people would not want to be caught in similar circumstances, even though research has shown that this is often not the case. Abused children often end up growing to find themselves in abusive relationships again. And at other times, they end up abusing others.     Another source where young women shop for stereotypes of the perfect lovers are romantic novels, magazines and movies.   Though prince charming no longer comes in shining armour riding on the back of stallions these days, the modern prince charming must have the latest machines and fat bank accounts, coupled with good looks of course. Same for many young guys who now think that catching a rich man’s daughter’s hand in marriage is the key to marital bliss. The current emphasis of society on material acquisition regardless of moral and societal values, have made it difficult for many to set the right standards for themselves. However, the truth is that ideals are different from reality. I spoke to a cross section of respondents and what I got was that age has an important role to play in the separation of dreams and reality. Just read what my respondents had to say. Bisola, (34), married, says she does not think there are ideal men. Her views: Most people say that there are no ideal men or women. I think they are right on the one hand because no one is perfect, and wrong on the other hand because perhaps they haven’t met the right person. Personally, I think perfect partners do not really exist because we all are not perfect when it comes to relationships. We tend to have one disappointment or the other because of the different behaviours we as humans  portray. Everybody has a different idea about a perfect or ideal partner because individuals in relationships differ. So, what individuals want really vary. How perfect they would be for each other is however another thing. An optimistic attitude must reckon with reality. The ideal perfect partner doesn’t exist, and very often, you fall in love with someone completely different from your ideal person. Sometimes, the surprise may turn out a nice one, and sometimes it does not. So in most cases the ideal or perfect man is just a wonderful dream. The most important thing for me in a relationship is respect. My partner must respect me and respect is reciprocal. By this I mean, respect for each other’s freedom, tastes and aspirations. It is not so important to have exactly the same hobbies and ideas about life. But what is really important is that one should not be selfish. Apollonia, (39):  Since you say you are not going to publish our real names, then I can answer your questions. No I did not marry my ideal man. When I was much younger, I used to think that I will marry a rich, handsome man, most likely a prince that will take me abroad. But that did not happen. I think the mistake I made was in believing that my ideal man will eventually come. Unfortunately, rather than wait patiently for him, I dated guys who did not fall into the category of my ideal man. Rather than think of every guy as a potential husband, I could not see the goodness in them. I don’t know if they felt the same about me. So, by the time I turned 29 and I was hitting on the dreaded 30 years, I knew it was time to be serious. Many of my age mates back in the village were already married with children and my parents had started accusing one relative or the other of being responsible for my inability to get a husband because they were jealous of me. My uncle who had brought me to Lagos and sponsored my education was not happy because of the problems that were being generated. My focus changed from searching for the ideal man to looking for a God fearing man who would be capable of taking care of me. He may not be the tall, handsome, prince charming I had been dreaming about, but my husband is a good father to our two children. We may not be rich enough to travel around the world like I used to dream about, but I know we will get there one day. The only thing I know for sure is that he cannot leave me and the children. “Why is that”, I asked? Because we married in the church and our church forbids it.  (really, only for that reason?)       Ayo, (32), Banker, she must be intelligent and sincere:  My ideal partner is a pretty girl who is amusing and good to talk to. She has to be very patient because I’m always very moody. She must also like sports, literature, cinema and travelling. I want her to be intelligent but not selfish. Above all, I would like a sincere partner. I like people who are open-minded and not uptight. I don’t think that I have ever met this girl in my life, I have not been lucky in my life with ladies. Perhaps because I have found other qualities in women that I don’t need, like beauty and charm. These are the only things most of these ladies have to offer these days. No real substance, mostly make up or is it make over now and everyone of them going up and down pretending to be what they are not. Even the ones you know their backgrounds want to go around pretending to be an  ajebo (spoilt one)  and telling you silly things that you do not expect from a serious girl who is interested in settling down. Things like what exactly? Well, you find them saying stupid things like they don’t want to cook or wash or be the only one caring for the baby. You see them talking about male and female equality and after you accept to operate on their terms, they say you are selfish and uncaring. If you say you are equal to the man, then why do you want me to pick the bills when we go out? Why do you want me to open the doors for you? You want me to pay for your transportation to visit me, I entertain you with my money and time and at the end of the day, you start pretending that you don’t want sex, you are a lady or worse still, born again. What are you doing in a man’s house if you are truly born again? If you are equal to me, why should I pick your bills? The answer is simple. You don’t want a husband, you want a houseboy or playboy or better still, a robot who can only do your bidding without a mind of his own. I have met a girl who told me that she would get a surrogate for her children because she does not want to lose her figure! And she was proud to tell me that her father would foot the bill. Is that a woman? Anyway, I am learning from my experience and hope to correct or improve on them. I want to pick someone who will understand me better from now on. I want a much younger girl who will not be as wild as many of the older ones. Those ones are better. (Really?) Daud, (52), Engineer believes age is crucial in determining who is ideal: It is the dream of everyone to grow up and find an ideal partner to settle down with, have children and live a wonderful life happily ever after. If God helps you and you grow up to find that ideal person, then you are lucky. But if not, you will eventually settle for whatever you can find that suits your resemblance of ideal and pray that you are still able to live happily ever after. If you are not able to do so, there is no harm in trying again, though no one prays for it. That is not to also say that the second or third time will be the right one. So, that is life for you. The truth is age will determine how the chances you have in getting the ideal partner, especially for the woman. The younger a woman is, the better. The younger she sets out in search of the man of her dreams, the better. When a woman is still in her early 20s, her beauty is well blossomed and ready for the picking. The men are lining up and falling over each other for her favours. If she is wise, or has good advisers, she makes a good choice and with God on her side, she has a better chance of living happily ever after. Once a woman crosses into her 30s, desperation begins to creep in. If not    on her part, on the part of her parents and family members. She must lower her standards and stop being too picky. By the time she clocks 40 years, if she is not strong willed, she will end up with any available scoundrel as a husband. We see them all around. Women  who have used their husbands as boyfriends. They just want to be called somebody’s wife no matter the circumstances surrounding the marriage. Then, once they get into their late 40s to 50s, it is the end of the road, they are only looking for someone to bear a child or two for and not necessarily marriage. If they are lucky to find a divorcee or widower to house them, thanks to the great provider. Otherwise, they just have a child and continue to live their lives as they have always done. The same applies to the man. The exception is just that our culture and traditions are very permissive for the male folks. My father told me that there are no ideal women. It is a man who will mould his woman into what he wants. If he is lucky, she will succumb and be his wife. If he is not, then he should just bear his cross because of the children.